A Psychologist Explains Love’s ‘Scarcity Principle’

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The saying, “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone,” highlights a sentiment that can … [+] profoundly impact relationship dynamics.

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You may have noticed that we’re often more drawn to someone who is harder to reach, or that we hold on tighter to relationships the moment they start to develop distance. This isn’t just a coincidence—it’s the scarcity principle in action. This psychological concept explains why we tend to place greater value on things that feel rare or at risk of being lost.

In relationships, the scarcity principle does more than just spark attraction—it intensifies emotions, shifts our perceptions and plays a big role in how we approach love and connection.

Understanding how this principle shapes our romantic lives can help us recognize when it’s quietly influencing our feelings and decisions. Here’s how scarcity impacts relationships and what we can do to navigate it more consciously.

1. The Allure Of Unavailability

When someone seems “scarce” or difficult to attain, they often become more desirable in our eyes. This phenomenon can manifest subtly—like being intrigued by someone who is distant or hard to read—or more overtly, when someone’s unpredictability adds an air of mystery.

In romantic contexts, this perception is the driving force behind the “chase” dynamic, where the pursuit itself feels thrilling—sometimes even more so than the actual connection. While this dynamic can be exhilarating in the short term, it often spawns unhealthy patterns of behavior, such as emotional dependence or an unequal distribution of effort in the relationship.

Research explains how the consequences of these patterns play out. A 2013 study published in Sage Open revealed that unrequited love—often influenced by perceptions of scarcity—lacks the deep passion, commitment and mutual investment of a healthy partnership. Instead, it’s frequently marked by emotional turmoil, making it a more turbulent and less fulfilling version of love. These findings underscore the risks of idealizing unavailability, as the allure of scarcity can create more emotional strain than genuine connection.

2. Fear of Losing What You Have

The scarcity principle doesn’t just shape the early stages of a relationship—it can profoundly impact long-term partnerships as well. When we sense a partner pulling away or becoming less available, it often triggers a fear of loss. This fear can magnify our attachment, making the … Read More